


Episode IV. The Death of Magic Brian

by moonweave



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Poetry, trochaic tetrameter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-11 23:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10476921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonweave/pseuds/moonweave
Summary: The final boss scene ofHere There Be Gerblinsbut in the style and meter of the John Martin Crawford translation of theKalevala.





	

Though his staff points toward the woman,  
Toward the webbed and trapped orc woman,  
The Black Spider turns to see you.  
Speaking in a German accent,  
The Black Spider gladly greets you,  
Tells an unseen distant dear one  
Of the luck and of the blessing,  
How exciting, to have guests here,  
And be able to play the host.

Taako, nosy, enters the room,  
Prompting even further speaking  
On the part of the Black Spider,  
Who betrays his sheer elation,  
Offering to set a table  
For the three guests, new but welcome.

In a voice both light and cautious,  
Magnus notes the Spider's kindness,  
And thereafter the Black Spider  
Offers you a formal greeting,  
Welcomes you with pomp and place-name:  
Welcome, says he, to my cave, dears,  
In a voice that sucks a little,  
With a high and grating cadence.

(Taako notes a similar vibe  
To his own voice and the Spider's  
Oddly comic German accent.)

Seeing not the need for intros  
As his exploits well and clearly  
Serve as their own introduction,  
The Black Spider (in his tailored,  
own-hand-painted spider tabard)  
Nonetheless returns the question:  
He would like to know who you are,  
To know who makes up your party.

After speaking nothing further  
Than the names of you fair fellows  
(And an attempt to abandon  
The ill-fated poor orc woman  
To the whims of your opponent)  
You are gently interrupted  
By the Spider's observation,  
By his cooing, frank admission  
To enthrallment in the music,  
In the song of Taako's speaking.

Taako casts a conjured cantrip,  
Takes the praise as if it's his due,  
Not so much _flattered_ as _expecting_ ;  
All the same, the conjured cantrip  
Forms a spectral hand and floats up,  
Rises up to touch (and fondly)  
The Black Spider's surprised soft cheek.  
So caressing the Black Spider,  
Taako offers a proposal  
For the Spider to consider.

Let the trio retrieve Gundren,  
Save him from this slime-filled hell mine.  
Thus conclude this altercation!  
Nothing further do you three need,  
Nothing but to retrieve Gundren.  
The orc woman? Well, whatever,  
Not your problem! He can have her.  
To this offer he does hearken,  
The Black Spider seems approving;  
Gundren has fulfilled his purpose...  
Excepting the minor detail...  
He has bloodflow still remaining  
Which the Spider, yes, requires;  
First one pint and then a second...

Once again, now, introductions:  
Try you, again, to determine  
What the name of the Black Spider,  
What he's called in tender moments,  
But, again, he spins the questions  
Back upon you, though not rudely.  
He seeks not your group's discomfort,  
Only asking without pressure,  
Only to fulfill his knowledge!

Curious, he leans in toward you,  
Fingers curling tightly around  
The black wood of his spider staff:  
How the fuck, begs he, politely,  
Have you come into the knowledge  
Of this very magic cave mine?

(Merle, at a guess, suggests Craigslist;  
The Black Spider's merely frowning.)

Lacking answers, the Black Spider  
Proceeds with surprising patience  
To suggest a truer answer:  
Is your party perhaps present  
In a quest that mirrors his own?  
Seek you three the rare and wanted,  
the sought-after, [garbled static]?

Soundly, Merle rejects this answer,  
Screw the [static], snarls in anger,  
You seek not fantasy bullshit  
But only to locate Gundren:  
Their goal remains cousin-fetching!  
Merle is drawn to help his cousins,  
Checks, in fact, on his condition,  
Wanting to know whether Gundren's  
Still alive or has departed,  
Whether he is hale and hearty.  
(Thankfully, he's just unconscious.)

Once more, Taako presses onward  
With the needy, ceaseless question  
Of the Spider's identity.  
What his name, and wherefore hide it?  
Why this formal cloak of shadows?

By this point he is persuaded,  
Worn down by the constant asking,  
With a shrug he offers his name,  
Offers it as _Brian, darling_.

Knowing that his name is Brian,  
Taako goes and drops the topic,  
Finding other pressing matters.  
Why, after all, hear they [static]  
When the Spider speaks of [static]?  
The Black Spider hums in deep thought,  
Then claps one time, smiling vaguely  
As he commits to explaining.

[Static] comes from lack of knowledge:  
To your hearing, it is [static],  
Despite clear enunciation;  
He is truly _saying_ [static],  
But actually you cannot [static]  
Til such a time as you have [static]!

Your pleasant trio nods, if dumbly.

Having thus explained the problem,  
The Black Spider's next pronouncement  
Follows rather quickly after.  
He is not, in fact, a fan of  
The proposed, suggested outcome;  
He is really just not into  
Leaving without sapping Gundren  
Of the dwarven blood he's seeking  
For fulfillment of his dark goals.  
And so he apologizes!  
But he will not discuss further.

Hearing this news, Magnus charges,  
Rushes, without hesitation,  
Onward toward the grim Black Spider,  
Toward the drow now your opponent  
(Who grips his staff now, ever tighter).

Swiftly thinking, Taako aims a  
Burst of fire toward the webbing  
Holding fast the orcish woman  
To the rough and jagged cave wall,  
Carves the spell with careful judgment,  
Frees her from the silken cobweb.  
The orc woman, unsuspecting,  
Hits the ground but quickly rises;  
Though she lacks the needed context  
She is grateful for this solid!  
After all, you share a rival.

That said rival, reaching deftly  
Into a sack upon his person,  
Returns your pique with an attack:  
Pulls a throbbing sort of flesh-pod  
From the depths and throws it downward  
Onto the hard ground, where it smashes,  
Bursting open in a green cloud,  
In a misty fog of emerald  
That serves as a cue for a spider:  
Now a spider, huge and giant,  
Easily two times your measure,  
Reveals itself from the ceiling,  
Leg after leg now descending  
As it lands firmly beside him.  
It eclipses even his height,  
Stands prepared to guard and obey,  
To obey his smallest command.

As it turns out, this is Bryan!  
The pet shares names with its master;  
Brian with an _i_ regards it  
Fondly, like a cherished pet or partner,  
His companion, _eight_ -eyed Bryan.

You begin to cascade violence  
Down upon the big-ass spider:  
Magnus grasps a chain and circles,  
Circles fast around the spider,  
Sweeping up its legs in metal  
In a cool sci-fi maneuver.  
Thus the spider topples downward,  
All legs scrambling out from under,  
As its heft goes spinning sideways  
And it crashes, with a great noise,  
Soon thereafter pursued further  
By three bursts of Magic Missile;  
These spells smack the felled arachnid,  
Doing damage even further.

Taako's Missiles, while impressive,  
Fail to impress Magic Brian  
Who, while laughing, casts the same spell,  
Readies it and sends it onward  
In direct retaliation:  
Casts all three to bloody Taako.  
Taako stumbles, gravely injured,  
But is avenged well in reverse:  
Merle calls the Jackhammer Robot,  
Bursts upon the door concealing  
Renee, the Jackhammer Robot!  
As soon as the door flies open,  
She is on the stage of battle,  
Plowing through the giant spider,  
Truly tearing it asunder!

Forced to watch his favorite spider  
Disappear into the dark depths,  
Magic Brian slumps in sadness;  
He is wracked by pure misery,  
Watching as his good good rancho  
Fast departs the mortal coil.  
Magnus takes the moment's brief chance  
To rush toward Taako (who's still dying),  
In this sudden quiet moment  
Offering his friend and brother  
Respite from a healing potion.

Thus some strength returns to Taako;  
Now he has some wizard options,  
Fighting to do, drow shit to _wreck_ ,  
Strength returned him, Taako rises,  
Standing tall and proud and ready  
For another mystic volley.  
Arm outstretched he shouts his counter,  
Casts, once again, Magic Missile,  
Blasting Brian into the air,  
Sending him just fucking flying;  
When he rises, he is bloodied,  
Bruised and clearly badly injured,  
But, despite that, now is _impressed_ ,  
Proud of—somehow—proud of Taako,  
Proud to meet an equal wizard!

Lacking any further option  
In the realm of formal combat,  
Brian smiles in a rude way,  
His expression intimating  
A shift toward secret, risky methods;  
Close as he's come now to dying,  
Brian takes a desperate measure,  
Grabbing the poor prone Rockseeker  
And with his body rolling backward,  
Rolling back into the deep pit.  
Four hands grasp the cliff face promptly,  
All at once, pull into vision:  
You are facing double Gundrens,  
Mirroring dwarves, one in the same;  
Here is Brian's final riddle:  
Will you solve this cruel mystery,  
Correctly detect the culprit,  
Or destroy your dwarven cousin,  
Make a mistake, end his living?

The two Gundrens both entreat you:  
Be not foolish, think carefully,  
Make your decision with caring!  
One entreaty's awful accent  
Forces your hand quite easily;  
Rather, your foot, as you eject  
The false Gundren from the cave floor,  
Booting him with haste and hurry  
Into the pit after his spider.

He falls very, very slowly,  
Though is proud at your successes:  
You have solved his final riddle!  
You are quite the adventurers!

He falls very, _very_ slowly.

Taako casts another Missile.


End file.
